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Episode 607: Tony Sirico transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's Dressing Room Scooter: On Door 6 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh (Guest Star's Name), 17 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks, Scooter, I'll be honored to be with you guys on the show tonight." Scooter: "So what's been going on around here lately?" Guest Star: "Well, my good friend, I believe we're having bingo night." Scooter: "Oh yeah, that's right, now I remember that." Kermit appears through the middle of The Muppet Show Logo Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Tony Sirico, yaaaaaaaay!" [The Muppet Show Theme Music Playing In Background] Playing Theme Tune On Piano Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Music Playing Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit: it's time to get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet show. Of Ambulance Siren Scene 1: Onstage/The Introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, tonight's a very good night 'cause our very special guest star is the 1 and only Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's a talented television and movie actor and voice artist as well, but 1st, here's Rowlf and Scooter in the opening musical #." Opening Musical #: Bingo Rowlf: Music On Piano There was a farmer who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o Scooter: B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-o Rowlf: there was a farmer who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o Scooter: Sounds-''I-N-G-O'' Sounds-''I-N-G-O'' Sounds-''I-N-G-O'' Sounds and Bingo was his name-o Rowlf: there was a farmer who had a dog, '''''and Bingo was his name-o Scooter: Clapping Sounds-''N-G-O'' Clapping Sounds-''N-G-O'' Clapping Sounds-''N-G-O'' and Bingo was his name-o Rowlf: there was a farmer who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o Scooter: Sounds-''G-O'' Sounds-''G-O'' Sounds-''G-O'' and Bingo was his name-o Rowlf: there was a farmer who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o Scooter: Clapping Sounds and Bingo was his name-o.... Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Statler: "So, Waldorf, ever played bingo before?" Waldorf: "No, but I played a few charades." Statler: "Well, I did play a little bit of Uno myself." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage...... Kermit: "Alright, let's see what's next." Kermit: (looking at the list of sketch #s) "Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody!" ''Bear On Patrol'' Sketch #: Stealing bingo chips from a bingo game Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear On Patrol." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Alright, this way, just a few more, there we go, perfect." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Is there anything I can help you with, Patrol Bear?" Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "I caught this young man stealing bingo chips from a bingo game at the Stan Freberg Memorial Firehouse." Walter: "But I'm innocent, I would never do anything like that." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Oh, I see, bring him up to me, please." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Patrol Bear/Fozzie brings Walter up to Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Very well then, tell me your name, kind sir." Walter: "I'm Walter, and I'm the innocent type, and I would never steal from other people or any other place." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Well, I'm just gonna check to see if your on the guilty list or the innocent list." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob checks to see if Walter's name is on the guilty list, but it turns out that it's on the innocent list. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Well, Walter, you're absolutely right, you're innocent after all, Patrol Bear, let him go free at last." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Yes, kind sir, thank you." Patrol Bear/Fozzie releases Walter from his handcuffs. Walter: "I'm free at last, I'm finally free at last!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I've seen a lot of cop shows like these my entire life." Statler: "Did the police officers take the criminals to the jail house?" Waldorf: "Well, the did, but they got free good donuts at a café house!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Guest Star: "So, Kermit, how's your entire day been going?" Kermit: "It's been going pretty good so far, (Guest Star's 1st Name), what did you do last Friday evening?" Guest Star: "Well, last Friday evening, I went to a fancy spaghetti dinner party at a real big apartment." Kermit: "That sounds good, well, I went to a real good movie with Piggy that 1 Friday evening." ''At the Dance'' sketch # [At The Dance Music Playing In Background] Kermit is dancing romantically with Miss Piggy, while Gonzo is dancing romantically with Camilla and everybody else is dancing romantically with 1 another. Gonzo: "Left and right, back and forth." Camilla: In Reply Kermit: "So, Piggy, are you enjoying this nice lovely evening?" Miss Piggy: "Anything for you, Kermit, my 1 true love." Mildred Huxtetter: "Well, George, do you think we should keep doing this for the rest of the entire night?" George: "Absolutely, Mildred." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again.......... Waldorf: "So, Statler, have you ever danced like that before?" Statler: "Well, kind of, but I used to listen to country rock music in our younger years." Waldorf: "Long live the age of music in history!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again ''Sam's Editorial Speech'': Sharing with other people Sam takes his place at the podium. Sam: "Good evening, my fellow Americans, it's been such an honor to welcome you all here tonight, 'cause we're here to speak about sharing with other people, now sharing your good food and play toys with other people is very respective and very important, it must not be ignored, and it most certainly cannot be avoided, always remember that it's very important to share with other people." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage once again..... Kermit: "That was a very good speech, Sam, now let's see what's next." Kermit: "Pigs In Space, Pigs In Space is next onstage, everybody!" ''Pigs In Space'' Sketch #: Ultra-Sticky Zapper Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs In Spaaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy, and the scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our brave heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Well, 1st Mate Piggy, it looks like we haven't seen any space monsters approaching lately." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "It doesn't look like any asteroids are flying over either." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, take a good look at my new invention." Link Hogthrob: "What is it, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "Behold, the Ultra-Sticky Zapper." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "How does it work?" Dr. Strangepork: "Well, I just push this red button, and watch the action." Dr. Strangepork pushes the red button on the Ultra-Sticky Zapper, and it causes Link Hogthrob and 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy to be stuck together as always like a jigsaw puzzle. Dr. Strangepork: "Just like that, it's all part of my creation." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What the-" Link Hogthrob: "I don't believe this, how are we ever gonna get unstuck?" Dr. Strangepork: "It's very simple, all I do is push the green button and it should unstick you guys." Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button on the Ultra-Sticky Zapper, and Link Hogthrob and 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy are now unstuck. Link Hogthrob: "Hey, we're finally unstuck." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Now that's a relief." Announcer: "Does Link Hogthrob know what kind of space creature attack is happening? will 1st Mate Piggy ever stay beautiful and clean? will Dr. Strangepork ever come up with new inventions of his own? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Swedish Chef sketch #: Blueberry jelly rolls Playing In Background Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng blooeberry jelly rulls." Swedish Chef: "Furst, get oooot a medeeoom seeze-a meexing bool und a vure-a vheesk." The Swedish Chef gets out a medium mixing bowl and a wire whisk. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a get oooot a leettle-a bool und set it eseede-a." The Swedish Chef gets out a little bowl and sets it aside. Swedish Chef: "In zee leettle-a bool, ve-a poot in feefe-a medeeoom iggs et ruum temperetoore-a." The Swedish Chef puts 5 medium eggs, room temperature in the little bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, oone-a teblespuun ooff fresh lemun jooeece-a ." The Swedish Chef puts 1 tablespoon of fresh lemon juice in the little bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Next, oone-a teespuun ooff funeella." The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of vanilla in the little bowl as well too. Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a tu meex up zee vet ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the wet ingredients in the little bowl with his wire whisk. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a set zee leettle-a bool ooff oooor meexed vet ingredeeents eseede-a, und mufe-a zee medeeoom meexing bool oofer here-a." The Swedish Chef puts the little bowl of mixed wet ingredients aside, and moves the medium mixing bowl over to where he's facing the entire kitchen set. Swedish Chef: "Noo, poot in oone-a coop ooff ceke-a fluoor." The Swedish Chef puts 1 cup of cake flour in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a coop ooff sooger." The Swedish Chef puts 1 cup of sugar in the medium mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a meex up zee dry ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the dry ingredients. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot zee meexed vet ingredeeents in zee beeg meexing bool furst." The Swedish Chef puts the mixed wet ingredients in the big mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot in zee ceke-a fluoor und sooger veet zee meexed dry ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef puts the mixed dry ingredients along with the mixed wet ingredients. Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a tu meex zeem ell up." The Swedish Chef mixes up the wet and dry ingredients, 'til it becomes a perfectly good dough for jelly rolls. Swedish Chef: "Noo thet zeey're-a ell meexed up, ve-a preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und feeffty degrees Fehrenheeet." The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit, and waits around, then spreads a stick of butter on a 15 inch pan, puts a nice sheet of wax paper on it, then spreads the stick butter around the wax paper, and puts the mixed jelly roll batter on the pan. Timer Beeping Swedish Chef: "Ve-a're-a up tu three-a hoondred und feeffty degrees fehrenheeet, noo it's teeme-a tu poot zeem in zee oofee fur tventy meenootes." The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts, then puts the jelly roll batter in the oven, closes the oven door and sets the microwave timer on for 20 minutes. Timer Beeping Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a teke-a zeem oooot und rull zeem oooot oon a reel beeg pletter." The Swedish Chef takes the now made jelly rolls outta the oven, then rolls them out on the big platter. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a spreenkle-a zee peper tooels veet cunffecshuners' sooger." The Swedish Chef sprinkles the paper towels with confectioners' sugar, and turns the cake part out on to them to cool down. Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a poot in oone-a helff coop ooff blooeberry jem." The Swedish Chef puts 1/2 cup of blueberry jam in the now made empty jelly rolls, then rolls them up to make them completely blueberry jelly rolls. Swedish Chef: "Und thet's ixectly hoo yuoo meke-a blooeberry jelly rulls." The blueberry jelly rolls begin coming to life and they begin chatting with 1 another. Blueberry Jelly Roll # 1: "I agree with him, we may look good and tasty, but we're very kid friendly indeed." Blueberry Jelly Roll # 2: "They might find some of us at a grocery store." Blueberry Jelly Roll # 3: "Or maybe a diner." Blueberry Jelly Roll # 4: "Or even a bake sale." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "Well, he sure is good with that baking pan." Statler: "Yeah right, 'til he tries to do better with it as well." Waldorf: "That makes him the luckiest man in town." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again. Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." ''Veterinarian's Hospital'' Sketch #: Beauregard as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so, just as I was exploring a deep dark cave, I found a real big glowing stick near a crazy looking cave drawing, it was such a riot." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your cave jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, who's your patient for tonight this time?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob lifts the corner of the green quilt to reveal Beauregard as their patient. Beauregard: "Oh dear me, what just happened?" Janice/Nurse Janice: Oh my goodness, whatever like, happened to you in thuh 1st place?" Beauregard: "Well, I was walking around the wilderness, then I got attacked by a swarm of angry wild wasps." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my word, that does sound very painful." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, it sure is indeed." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever get the cash? does Nurse Piggy ever know what she's thinking about? will Nurse Janice get a medical degree? tune in next week to hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any word for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I can't say just yet, but that's quite a real big whopper." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again. Waldorf: "Have you ever had any medical experience lately?" Statler: "No, but I sure went to a lot of my dental appointments myself." Waldorf: "What makes you say that?" Statler: "Laughing gas!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again ''Muppet Labs'' sketch #: Automatic Weather Controlling Device Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music Playing In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here, welcoming you again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, tonight, we're testing out our greatest invention: the Automatic Weather Controlling Device." Beaker nods his head in agreement. Bunsen: "Now my faithful assistant, Beaker here, will test out the Automatic Weather Controlling Device, whether if the weather is rainy, snowy or sun-shiny, right this way, Beaker, that's it, just sit right here on the stool, (Beaker sits right on the stool) perfect." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, I'm gonna turn on this machine." Bunsen turns on the Automatic Weather Controlling device. Bunsen: "Just as you can see, Beaker is in the process of a bright sun-shiny day ahead of him." Thunderclap! Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Whoa, what a thunderstorm!" Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have left for tonight, join us again next time at Muppet Labs for our next creation." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again. Waldorf: "Well, Statler, it sounded just like a real big thunderstorm." Statler: "Even worse, it might've been a tornado." Waldorf: "Or maybe even a hurricane." Statler And Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again........ Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, people of all ages, it's time for our closing musical #." Closing Musical #: My Girl Music Playing In Background Kermit: I've got sunshine on a cloudy day Gonzo: when it's cold outside, I've got the month of may Floyd: well, I guess you say, what can make me feel this way, my girl, talkin' 'bout my girl, my girl Walter: '''''I've got so much honey, the bees envy me Scooter: I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees Kermit: well, I guess you say, what can make me feel this way, my girl, talkin 'bout my girl, my girl Gonzo: I don't need no money, fortune or costs, I got all of the riches, babe, 1 man can claim Scooter: well, I guess you say, what can make me feel this way, my girl, talkin 'bout my girl, my girl Floyd: I've got sunshine on a cloudy day with my girl Gonzo: I've even got the month of may with my girl Scooter: talkin' 'bout, talkin 'bout my girl, my girl Walter: all I can talk about is my girl, my girl....... Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony 1 more time. Waldorf: "So, Statler, have you ever seen My Girl 1 and 2 before?" Statler: "No, but I've seen a lot of cartoon animated Disney movies myself lately." Waldorf: "Then you must have different tastes in movie history." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably 1 More Time Back onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Alright, thank you, everybody, you were such a wonderful audience tonight." Thog: "That's right, Kermit, we agree with you here." Sweetums: "You can always say that again." Kermit: "But right before we go, let's give a big round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks, everybody, it's been wonderful being on the show here with all of you guys this evening." Robin: "Why sure, of course it was fun and exciting." Uncle Deadly: "It was very smashing, indeed." Behemoth: "I promised not to eat anybody else tonight." Doglion: "So did I." Gorgon Heap: "Me too." Emily Bear: "My dearest son, Fozzie, is much better at performing than I am." Fozzie: "Oh, Ma, you always say that." Pops: "This theater is never going away." Wayne: "It was such a romantic evening." Wanda: "Yes, romantic as always." Clifford: "I'm so lucky to have (Guest Star's 1st Name) as our guest star on the show tonight." Polly Lobster: "Don't stop to count your chickens on the way home." Skeeter: "Scooter is very smart and intelligent, he's perfect for a twin brother as always." Blind Pew: "I may be blind, but I sure give lots of good laughter." Angelo: "I agree with you here." Sal: "So, Johnny, any ideas for new hit songs tomorrow evening?" Johnny: "Well, no, Sal, I haven't thought about it yet." Lew Zealand: "This will be perfect for bingo night." Hilda: "I like playing bingo." Lips: "Me too, Hilda." Bean: "Me 3." Flash: "So do I." Marvin: "They're kind of hard at 1st, but you get the hang of it real easy." Guest Star: "Come on, everybody, let's play bingo right now." Kermit: "Oh that's good, (Guest Star's 1st name), we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." [The Muppet Show End Credits Theme Music Playing In Background] End Production Credits Screenplay Written by Greg V. Fera, Brian Henson, Tom Trbovich and Gary Halvorson Directed by James Bobin Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers Credits *Steve Whitmire *Eric Jacobson *Dave Goelz *Bill Barretta *Matt Vogel *David Rudman *Alice Dinnean Vernon *Ryan Dillon *Tyler Bunch *Peter Linz *Brian Henson *Stephanie D'Abruzzo Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony 1 last time....... Statler: "Do you really think all bingo nights are every expensive lately?" Waldorf: "Well, kind of, but I do carry a lot of good cash on me." Statler: "What do you need it for anyway?" Waldorf: "Just to by my own dinner food with it." Statler: "Then your 1 eating machine!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably 1 Last Time Fade to another black screen...... The television screen says, ''In Memoriam: Don Sahlin (1928-1978), Jim Henson (1936-1990), Richard Hunt (1951-1992), Erin Ozker (1948-1993), Jerry Juhl (1938-2005), Joe Raposo, (1937-1989), Anthony Minghella (1954-2008), Bernie Brillstein (1931-2008), Del Ankers (1916-2008), the great, talented, Jerry Nelson (1934-2012), Jane Henson (1934-2013), Faz Fazakas (1918-2013), John Henson (1965-2014), Oswald Morris (1915-2014), Lisa Simon (1951-2015), the other Ray Charles) (1918-2015) and Stan Freberg (1926-2015). Category:Transcripts Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts